Saturday, May 18, 2013

And Again

Today, another friend of mine from High School, a very smart and kind person posted a status with a link to an article from psychologytoday.com about how ADHD is not as predominant in France.  While I don't disagree that there are probably children in the US who are misdiagnosed and treated for ADHD that don't have ADHD, the French seem to take a multi-prong approach.  However, my friend got from this article that the problem with ADHD in the US is the parents.  Maybe it is.  That is what gets me so riled up because I live with that guilt all the time and I try to convince myself that it wasn't me and it wasn't Joey.  While I am sure that I was much too lenient at times with Carolyn, all I can remember from her childhood is how hard I was on her.  How I constantly expected, and demanded that she do things that she was not capable of.  I am pretty sure that she is still not capable of seeing point A leads to point B leads to point C.  I still expect her to get it, and I am still angry that she doesn't get it.  At least now I think that I have some understanding that she just can't.  It is like fighting with two of me.  And both of me are wrong.

What I do know about Carolyn is that I loved her like nothing else I had ever loved in my life.  I always told her how much I loved her.  Even now I am angry with her all the time and I don't really like being around her.  But I still love her and I worry more than I should about her.  She has been staying gone at night, because I told her that she can't live here after she got out of jail, so she stays gone at night and then comes here and sleeps all day on the sofa.  Last night, while I was cooking dinner she asked me if she could have some money to go buy groceries because she doesn't like the food that I buy.  She also told me that she had to drink water from the toilet while she was in jail and how surprised people were that I wouldn't come get her out.  I said, "oh well."  She then replied something about how we can't pick our families.  We can't.  Logically, I can't pay to bail her out of jail for something that she could fix so that she would stop going to jail (her car registration), and I have told her on many occasions that I won't get her out of jail if she goes back.  I like to think that I am that strict because of my love for her but it may be that rescuing her from her own self isn't logical to me.  So, the fact that I can't/won't go against what logic dictates for me is probably not any different than her unable to go against what logic dictates for her.  She really does think, I think, that I don't go get her out of jail because I don't care about her.  I really can't even discuss the matter with her anymore because I feel like we are on a merry go-round and we are never going to connect.  In the meantime, I have a muscle in my shoulder that I spent $75 yesterday to have massaged and will probably have to do that again on this coming Friday because the stress has made my shoulder muscle contract and spasm.

I wish that I could say with conviction that Carolyn's issues were not because I am a bad parent, but I can't.  I wish that comments about how problem children are the result of poor parenting didn't reinforce my belief and fear that it is my fault, but they do.


Yes! This is what I've been saying for some years now. We don't have epidemic of ADHD, we have an epidemic of parents who aren't properly parenting. Instead of medicine for the kids, lets try providing "family classes" and teach people how to be in charge of their families.
1Like ·  · 
  • Leighanna Luckie Thetford I agree! I get so tired of hearing this being put as an "excuse" for why a child isn't learning or progressing. We all know setting limits and parenting with love makes sense but the current society simply does not do this.
    12 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
  • Deanna Dowd Gnage Preach it Sister! Rob and I spent time talking about this article and this issue this morning. The medical field and insurance companies just perpetuate this too. Not to mention the benefits of parents getting SSI. Parents don't want to discipline or take responsibility for their children nor feed them a healthy diet. Children are easily diagnosed by medical MD's with ADHD and medicated. Its unethical. Schools also carry a responsibility for often pushing conformity to the point where parents buy into ADHD too. Its a multi-faceted problem. Some children truly have ADHD but the numbers are significantly smaller than the number who are diagnosed with it.
    11 hours ago · Like · 3
  • Julie Massey Halfmann Exactly, Cathy!
    11 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
  • Genna Ford Faia I think I would still like to attend those "how to be a good parent" classes I knew where they were being held.
  • Shirley Murphy Senay Lack of discipline is the problem and parents don't want to discipline their kids these days. Very sad.
    11 hours ago · Like · 1
  • Mike Maynard Parents are too often preoccupied with getting more stuff to be bothered.
    10 hours ago · Like · 1
  • Cathy Berrie Humble Genna, please don't think I'm saying that NO CHILD ever has issues such as ADHD or other mental health issues that need and require medication. And good parents often have children who do not respond to good parenting. These cases are infrequent. I'm saying that we as a society are much too quick to label an undisciplined child with ADHD and medicate them. It is unethical and immoral. But it's also unethical and immoral for parents to abdicate their responsibility to a school system, the best of which are still incapable and ill-equipped to be a parent to their students.
    9 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 3
  • Cathy Berrie Humble Genna, all that to say you ARE a good parent and could probably teach the class!
    9 hours ago via mobile · Like
  • Tracey Kasinkitchen our son has ADHD and yes, is medicated. Don't think for one instance that boundaries are not in place at home and no, the school is not responsible. We went to a strict diet when he was 3, counselling, behaviour modification and yes, we spanked.This continued until 6--the diet. Very slight improvement...at our whits end, we went the medication route at 6...very first day he was on meds, he said that it was' the first time it was good to be me...'broke my hubby's and my heart...he was brought up the way we were--church rules and it still did nothing. When he was kicked out of preschools-yes, plural and then being kicked out of kindergarten, we had to do something. He is 15 now, and is still testing and pushing boundaries (hello teenage-hood) but he is a joy (well, most times!) We have always told the schools what we do, what can we implement here to make it easier at home for school and how we can work together. He is OUR child, and not theirs...this came about after long and hard soul searching. Would I stop meds? If Luke could survive without meds, we would do it in a heartbeat but coming from a long line of males that all have it, methinks it is here to stay...I tell all of his teachers so that they know about it and give them my email and telephone # for anything. I have been told that we are unusual as parents, that we make him be accountable and that rules apply in our household. I cannot think of a worse burden onto society, of sending forth a child that doesn't know the word 'no' and what limits and consequences are...sorry for the book but i just wanted to give you my two cents.xxx
    8 hours ago · Like · 1
  • Cathy Berrie Humble Exactly my point Tracey. You illustrated it beautifully! Thank you!
    8 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
  • Tracey Kasinkitchen he is constant work but oh it is so worth it to see him make strides and sometimes baby steps in the right direction. I love my baby boy and my baby girl! They, along with my hubby, are the best blessings anyone could hope for
    8 hours ago · Like · 1
  • Mike Maynard It seems more evidence is coming to light that ADHA and many other ailments that are effecting children are the result of the vaccinations they are given. I have believed this and never allowed our children to get them. They are adults now and in good health.
  • Mike Maynard Cathy Berrie Humble, in actuality French children do have, "Trouble déficit de l’attention/hyperactivité" (TDAH). See this article:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201209/french-kids-do-have-adhd-interview
  • Tracey Kasinkitchen my husband's family have this affecting the males going back generations--they did not receive vaccines and grew their own food and livestock. We have only ever had organic foodstuffs in our house and everything is made from scratch...and yet, hubby and son both have it.
  • Mike Maynard How long has the ADHD diagnosis been around? I thought it was within the last generation.
  • Genna Ford Faia I just read the article and it makes me wish I lived in France 20 years ago.
    3 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
  • Tracey Kasinkitchen first medical reference is 1902 but without the label ADHD
  • Genna Ford Faia The problem is that there isn't a correct answer. Children are different. Families are different. Countries are different. Teachers and schools are different. It is too easy to generalize no matter how you view this issue. All I know is that I did the best I could, I'm sure that I was much to lenient, and at times I was much too strict. There is just not a one-size fits all answer.
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