Family

This weekend my niece Natalie is visiting.  She is eight and just precocious.  I have forgotten about the never ending babbling, the need to monitor what is on the TV and what is on the computer.  I have also forgotten about the joy of the laughter of a small child.  I also have been reminded how terrible I manage conflict.  My plan for this weekend was to take Natalie and Bibianna and have a girls weekend of shows and dinners and mani/pedis and lunches and shopping and swimming.  All provided by me saving about $150 over the past two weeks.  My sister, Dee-Dee, though, always thoughtful and courteous, sent $40 with Natalie to give to me to pay for things.  Well, I thought, I would put the $40 up and send it back home with Natalie.  This trip is on my tab and a gift from me to Natalie (and Bibs).  Instead, today, while on our shopping spree, Natalie asked to see what was left of her $40 so that she could buy some more stuff.  I had already purchased her a necklace and a charm and was planning to buy a few more little goodies, but she wanted a back pack that was too much for my budget.  Upon being asked how much of her $40 was left (which of course I could not provide because I left the money at home) I added up how much we had already spent on  her and included the $8 ticket from Aristocats.  So, there goes my intention of spoiling the child.  She thinks instead that I am making her pay for all her fun stuff.  Shoot, why didn't I just let her keep the money.

And, then, to make matter worse, having Natalie around is just more reinforcement of how little my parents and family care about me and my children.  Although I don't think I will ever get to a point where it doesn't bother me that I am not worthy of their love and consideration, I have learned to live with the constant disappointment and know how to tell myself that I am good enough.  However, when Bibianna is upset realizing that her grandparents don't care about her like they do for Sam and Natalie and the only reason I can provide is that it is because of me? Well it is painful.  Very painful.  How do I convince my sweet little girl that she is good enough and worthy and should have grandparents that treat her at least as well as they treat my sister's children?  Even if I was a worthless scumbag, wouldn't regular people be able to still love their grandchildren without holding them responsible for me and my actions?  And I am not a scumbag.  My parents really don't have any reason to dislike me.  I look too much like both of them to have been adopted.  Born too early in their relationship, maybe, but still?  That wasn't my fault and it certainly isn't Bibianna's fault.  I am not sure that I will ever be able to completely be at peace about the fact that my own family doesn't like me, but I am 100% sure I will never be OK with the fact that they treat my children like rejects.  It's a challenge I face on an almost daily basis because I know that not being able to forgive is like drinking poison.  It is hard.